september 1st???

where does the time go??? when i was young i thought that time would definitely slow down the older i got... it's the opposite!!!

i don't really have anything substantial to post today... but thought i would put up a random question and everyone could post their answers... and it would be fun... like a new little game...

question of the day... "if you could replace any actor or actress in any movie and play that role, which role would you play?"

i don't have an answer right now, as i just thought of the question a few minutes ago in my email to amy... but i'll post it tonight after i've thought about it at work for 4.5 hours!

additional comments to yesterday's post...

i decided to publish yesterday's entry today... and i wanted to make a few additional comments as well...

on tuesdays i have 2 classes - church history and theology... i have been semi-dreading these two classes since last week... (today was the first day for both of them...) i have never been more surprised at classes than i was today... i am really excited about both of these classes and didn't think i would be at all... the professor (he teaches both classes) is incredible and i'm so looking forward to his teaching... our classes are 3.5 hours long, and usually we have 10 minute breaks every hour or so... well, in every other class i've been in, i watch the clock and am generally so ready for breaks... that was not the case today, for the most part... i better not say too many good things... because next week may be a completely different story...

but... one thing i'm really excited about is that for our projects, he encourages creativity... for theology, we have the option of writing the research paper, with all the sources... or we can write a short play about one of the doctrines of theology and then write a rationale about it... we're still required to do research and prove our rationale... or we can do something else, altogether... we're not limited, and we have creative freedoms that i find amazing... i'm going to try and figure out how best to do this... but i want to do my theology final project with photography... i talked with him about it today, and it's possible... i just need to figure out what i want to do... which will come more with the semester and with the learning process and allowing God to give me visuals of what i'm learning in class and from readings... i'm so excited, because i'm getting to integrate something that i really enjoy into my school experience...

it's been a great day... i love school!!!

weird girl at school...

okay, so i love school a lot... i love the atmosphere, the people, the classes... i love the social aspect of school a lot... however... there is this weird girl at school... okay, i admit... it's me...

i get so goofy at school that i think i drive everyone nuts... i am sure that i provide entertainment for my classmates as i say the dumbest things sometimes... and i get so excited that i get to hang out with everyone that i think sometimes i'm a little bit too hyper... i am up at school a lot during the week... and we only have class on monday and tuesday, so a whole lot of people live other places and commute... so during the week, and this summer, it's so quiet in the building and it's no fun at all... so when people are in the building, i am so happy... that's definitely the extrovert in me speaking out... crying to be heard... (and on top of being weird, i'm also a wee bit overdramatic at times...)

it just makes me feel happy to be around people... especially people who are in ministry and my age (or close to my age... or not really my age at all)... and there is this great camaraderie among the students (especially with the other girls) which is great... most of the time i really feel like i can be me around people at school, and in a couple different situations today i had to be really vulnerable... this can be hard for me, considering my "current life situation" (being female, being single, wanting to be in ministry and being in seminary)... which i will move on to now...

even though i love school and love people at school, sometimes i find it hard to be a single female in seminary... this is probably the most liberal southern baptist seminary i could have chosen, with regard to women in ministry, and i'm grateful for it... but it's still a challenge... i am sure there are times when biases play into the experience... whether or not it's intentional... and combined with the fact that i already feel like "the weird girl at school," sometimes it's difficult...

okay - the thoughts aren't formed beyond that - even those aren't that formed... but, well, it's what is in my head... maybe i'll save this as a draft and decide if i'll actually post it tomorrow... that's a GREAT idea!!!

about time...

i haven't blogged in a few days... so i felt it time to write a few things...

i am actually home by myself tonight... this never happens... there are 8 other people who live in this house, and usually someone is home... but tonight they're all at church and i'm at home, well, typing a few things on my blog and making homemade cinnamon rolls and avoiding doing homework, which is the case most sunday nights... the homework, however, is inevitable as i have class at 8:00 in the morning...

the reason i am not going to church (i knew you'd ask) is because i'm in the process of looking for a new church... i had the opportunity to go visit a church this morning and it was very refreshing... it's a larger church in the area... and in saying "larger," i mean more than 250 people... i liked it a lot... i am still going to be visiting other churches, but today was good... then there was a lunch at the sunday school teacher's house and i went and had more fun... there are a lot of people in the "young professionals" class who i know from school...

it's so quiet in the house... it's kind of nice... i don't want to turn on anything with sound... silence is so good every now and then... just not for too long... and in about an hour and a half everyone will be home and craziness will resume!!!

i don't really have anything to write about of worth... i am really excited about the classes i'm taking this semester... specifically ministry leadership... i think the class is going to meet me exactly where i am... some of the things i'm excited about studying in the class are vision, teamwork, and a lot of other stuff i'm sure... my other classes are pastoral counseling (which i'm also really excited about), preaching/communication (the /communication part is for the girls... there are 2 of us in the class), church history, and theology... (i'm least excited about the last 2... but it will be all good...)

going to go check on the cinnamon rolls... have a terrific week!!!

rainy day...

so i was thinking about the rain, mostly because i can hear it... i like the sound of rain on the roof... and it made me think about the song lyrics to "come away with me" by norah jones... there's just something about a rainy day... right now i'd love to be underneath a huge blanket with candles burning either taking a nap or reading a book... listening to that same norah jones cd that contain the lyrics stuck in my head...

Come away with me in the night
Come away with me
And I will write you a song
Come away with me on a bus
Come away where they can’t tempt us
With their lies
And I wanna walk with you
On a cloudy day
In fields where the yellow grass grows knee-high
So won’t you try to come
Come away with me and we’ll kiss
On a mountain top
Come away with me
And I’ll never stop loving you
And I wanna wake up with the rain
Falling on a tin roof
While I’m safe there in your arms
So all I ask is for you
To come away with me in the night
Come away with me

but instead i'm sitting in the computer lab at school... i stopped by on my way home from work... and i don't have any of my school stuff with me, so i'm not getting anything done... big surprise... so maybe i'll head home, light candles, turn on norah jones and read...

one side-note-comment i have is while i love this particular song by norah jones and the entire album that it's on... i do not always like the feelings that it seems to stir up... these lines haunt me... "and i wanna wake up with the rain, falling on a tin roof, while i'm safe there in your arms"... i've had a couple of conversations lately... well i've had lots of conversations lately, but two in particular have resulted in the same reaction... sometimes i feel lonely... i always say that i don't like talking about singleness and all of that junk on my blog... but today i kind of feel like it... so i may just go more publicly honest than usual...

i was talking with the dad of the family whose house i live in right now last night... we talk a lot... about a lot of different stuff... random stuff... and we were talking about guys last night... (this is one of the two conversations, by the way...) he has 6 sons... sometimes he's quite the expert... he expressed frustration that no young man was pursuing me... which kind of makes me laugh, and kind of made me cry... i thought i was the only one... to kind of explain it further... he and his wife told me last night that they see me as valuable, etc... which is something i've been trying to work on for about the last ten years... (but in my own eyes) it's still a lot of a struggle for me... and then it carries over into my ideas about relationships... it's like i desire to be linked to this great guy - with great leadership skills, character, integrity, passion for ministry... but then i think "i'm not good enough for that guy." and that's not necessarily a self-esteem (i hate that expression) thing... it's just - don't they deserve more? i've messed up in more ways that i care to name and more times than i want to think about... i know- no one is perfect... no guy is "tood good for me..." it's just the way i feel today...

and i know the "answers" to all of this... i've heard them all before... i'm not saying any of this to get those self-esteem answers... so if you feel like posting a comment like that, don't... i'll just take care of it right now... everyone repeat after me... "i'm good enough... i'm smart enough, and dog-gone-it... people like me..." there... now we're all better...

it's time to put the band-aid back on... too much exposure/vulnerability in one day can prove to be detrimental to my mental health... so maybe it's time for the candles, big blanket, books and cd... so if it's raining where you are, enjoy the rain on the roof... and if it's sunny, well, enjoy that, too...

if only's and because of's...

today i thought a lot about choices... how one choice affects so much of life...
and how drastically different things might have been, if only...
sometimes the "if only's" are the very choices, instances, circumstances, decisions that we agonize over, again and again... if only I would have taken the time to share Jesus with that lady, she might be a follower of Christ, but now i don't know... if only I would have stayed at work 5 more minutes, i would have avoided being involved in a wreck... (true story, but not from today) if only i would have said this, or that... i think you get the idea...

or how things have turned out because of...
sometimes the "because of's" are the very choices, instances, circumstances, or decisions that we may overlook because we don't realize the impact they've had on our lives... because of a blown tire, i was able to see things from a new perspective and get out of a bad relationship... because of working at a summer camp (because someone else was applying and i jumped on the bandwagon), i met one of the best friends i've ever had...

and sometimes i think it's easy to get hung up on the "if only's..." i think sometimes i think about the "if only's" and i have the expectation that if that one particular choice, instance, circumstance or decision had changed and was better, that the rest of my life would be better... i think that one decision wrecked my life, when in reality, it just sent me down a different path... over christmas break, my mom and i were talking about decisions... we were saying stuff like, "if you could go back and do it all over knowing then what you know now, would you?" and my mom said, "no, i would probably just make worse mistakes..." how profound... ultimately we can't change it or go back, but continue on with the path that we're on, thankful for the because of's... even if they've taken us in a place that we would never have dreamed of...

when i was 18 and heading to college, my plans for my life were to
meet some great guys at the bsu after i had been in college a short time...
during my freshman or sophomore year, start dating one of those great guys (age 19-20)
during my junior year, get engaged (age 21)
after my senior year, get married (age 22)
have my first son at 23, the second son at 25, the third son at 27, and the fourth son at 29... have my husband and all four kids by the time i was 30 and live in the suburbs and be a housewife while my husband worked... and maybe i'd teach sunday school...

so now, i laugh a lot... seeing how the "because of's" in my life have led me far down another road... very far... does anyone really anticipate the kind of life they're going to have? in many ways, i'm thankful for the fact that my "dream/plan" wasn't God's "dream/plan" for me... there's so much that i've experienced and ways that i've grown that i think i would have missed if right now i was expecting my second child...

i have neglected to mention a huge part of this has to do with the sovreignty of God's will... obviously, there is a lot more than the choices we make that affect our lives... today i'm just baffled at how things work out...

first day of school!!!

i love the first day of school!!! it's probably the most exciting day of the year for me... or it feels that way today... it's like being "home" or something... can't really explain it... maybe i just had too much coffee today... don't know... but it's great being here... it's great seeing friends i haven't seen all summer... and it was terribly exciting to go buy school supplies last night... granted, it was only paper and pens... but wow... to open that first package of paper... i love it...

i know... i'm definitely a strange creature... it's all good with me...